How Americans are watching soccer courtesy of Slate

No You Can't (Featuring John Boehner)

The World's Best Condom Ads courtsey of Slate

Hell is Hurting

Ian Frazier has written a very funny satire in the New Yorker on the impact of global warming for hell and its inhabitants. Enjoy!

THE TEMPERATURE OF HELL: A COLLOQUIUM
According to the best scientific data currently available, both the average and the mean temperatures of Hell have risen 3.8 degrees since 1955. Although an increase of this size may seem insignificant, especially to those not spending eternity there, the reality of the situation is quite different when experienced in concrete terms. For example, occupants of Hell who in 1955 were standing night and day in boiling pitch up to their knees report that, owing to the expansion of pitch at higher temperatures, they now must endure the torment all the way up to mid-thigh, or even higher, during Hell's warmer seasons. Condemned souls who have to lie on their backs chained to a flat rock while a white-hot sheet of iron is lowered to within inches of their faces have stated that the rise in Hell's ambient temperature now makes the iron seem much closer to their faces than it actually is. More...

Obama Kills Fly: Ninja REMIX!

TAILS OF MANHATTAN

I no longer have the patience to watch Woody Allen movies, but his short pieces in the New Yorker are still fun to read. Here is a wonderful postscript to the Madoff Ponzi scheme that made many jewish people wonder why they would be so credulous.
Woody Allen in New Yorker, March 30, 2009: Two weeks ago, Abe Moscowitz dropped dead of a heart attack and was reincarnated as a lobster. Trapped off the coast of Maine, he was shipped to Manhattan and dumped into a tank at a posh Upper East Side seafood restaurant. In the tank there were several other lobsters, one of whom recognized him. "Abe, is that you?" the creature asked, his antennae perking up.
"Who's that? Who's talking to me?" Moscowitz said, still dazed by the mystical slam-bang postmortem that had transmogrified him into a crustacean.
"It's me, Moe Silverman," the other lobster said.
More...

Capturing the Moment: Cohen Tribute To Obama

Start the Fire By ROGER COHEN (NY Times)

With apologies to Billy Joel, who's more of a chronologist, and in tribute to a president, Barack Hussein Obama, representing a new post-cold-war generation of 21st-century Americans.

We Didn't Start the Fire (2)


Bill Clinton, Tina Fey, capitalist China, O.J.,
Asia rising, Facebook, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Dick Cheney, Rumsfeld, Ugg boots, Seinfeld
West Bank, Gaza City, Tupac Amaru Shakur


More...

Fighting Sin with Catholic Google

Catholic Google is supposed to help avoiding sin. I don't think it works. Try it out with your favorite sinful words!

James Carville on the Transition Process

A campaign is the time to stab your enemies and a transition is the time to stab your friends.

This is not for Republicans or Children

"Dad, at least you didn't get busted playing golf"

Question to Steward Copeland of the Police: Sting was photographed outside the Relax bordello in Hamburg in September. Were you tempted to join him?
SC: He never asked us to go with him! His 17-year-old daughter said it best, though: "Dad, at least you didn't get busted playing golf." None of The Police play golf. More...

Fast Forward to a Dramatic Democratic Convention in Denver

The Democratic Party is closer than it’s ever been to a political nightmare—a deadlocked convention. Though the odds of its actually happening are still remote, the idea is so rich with dramatic possibility that we asked Lawrence O’Donnell Jr., former West Wing writer-producer, to play out a scenario in movie-treatment form. The premise is that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton arrive in Denver, neither having sufficient delegates to gain the nomination nor a decisive majority in the popular vote. And so it’s on… Read the Story at New York Magazine.

"HILLARY! STOP THE ATTACKS!" LOVE, OBAMA GIRL

Simply Red: Splitting up is never easy

Simply Red is a one-man outfit --so how exactly is it disbanding, asks Neil McCormick. Mick Hucknall announced on Wednesday that Simply Red are splitting up. Which rather raises the question: how does a group with only one member go their separate ways?
Hucknall has employed 27 different musicians over the band's 25-year career, and admitted in 1991 that Simply Red was "essentially a solo project". More...

Stephen Colbert Announces Presidential Bid

Is this your first time with an undercover cop?

Lust in Translation

I just started to read Pamela Druckerman’s book on the rules of infidelity across different cultures. This report by the former Wall Street Journal writer is exceedingly entertaining and well written. I will publish a summary judgment when I have finished the book. But in the meantime I want share a few good lines from the acknowledgements: People sometimes compare a writing book to having a baby. Having now done both, almost simultaneously, I can say definitely that a book hurts much more…Few men would propose marriage to a woman who is writing a book on adultery. Simon Kupor not only married me, he also read every draft.

Gesundheit, my Dear!

Steve Martin's Seventy-two Virgins

The father of the bride reflects in the New Yorker (Jan 29, 2007) on his imaginary encounters with 72 virgins.

Virgin No. 1: Yuck.
Virgin No. 2: Ick.
Virgin No. 3: Ew.
Virgin No. 4: Ow.
Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen!
Virgin No. 6: I’m Becky. I’ll be legal in two years.
Virgin No. 7: Here, I’ll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry!
Virgin No. 8: Can we cuddle first?
Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?
Virgin No. 10: … so I see Heath, and he goes, “Like, what are you doing here?,” and I go, “I’m hangin’ out,” so he goes, “Like, what?” …
Virgin No. 11: First you’re going to have to show me an up-to-date health certificate.
Virgin No. 12: Hurry! My parents are due home!
Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special?
Virgin No. 14: I’m eighty-four. So what?
Virgin No. 15: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Virgin No. 16: Even I know that’s tiny.
Virgin No. 17: “Do it”? Meaning what?
Virgin No. 18: I’m saving myself for Jesus.
Virgin No. 19: Somewhere on my body I have hidden a buffalo nickel.
Virgin No. 20: Don’t touch my hair!
Virgin No. 21: I hope you’re not going to sleep with me and then go sleep with seventy-one others.
Virgin No. 22: Do you mind if we listen to Mannheim Steamroller?
Virgin No. 23: Are you O.K. with the dog on the bed?
Virgin No. 24: Would you mind saying, “Could I see you in my office, Miss Witherspoon?”?
Virgin No. 25: Ride me! Ride me, Lucky Buck!
Virgin No. 26: You like your vanilla hot?
Virgin No. 27: Does Ookums like Snookums?
Virgin No. 28: It’s so romantic here, dead.
Virgin No. 29: Well, I’m a virgin, but my hand isn’t.
Virgin No. 30: You are in?
Virgin No. 31: Hi, cowboy. I just rode down from Brokeback Mountain.
Virgin No. 32: I’m a virgin because I’m so ugly.
Virgin No. 33: You like-ee?
Virgin No. 34: I’ll betcha you can’t get an erection. Go on, impress me. C’mon, show me. Show me, big shot.
Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven “virgin” has a slightly different meaning. It means “chatty.”
Virgin No. 36: Sure, I like you, but as a friend.
Virgin No. 37: No kissing. I save that for my boyfriend.
Virgin No. 38: I’m Zania, from the planet Xeron. My vagina is on my foot.
Virgin No. 39: It’s a lesion, and, no, I don’t know what kind.
Virgin No. 40: I’m Jewish. Why do you ask?
Virgin No. 41: Hi, I’m Becky. Oh, whoops—you again.
Virgin No. 42: I just love camping! Camping is so great! Can we go camping sometime?
Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m a single mom.
Virgin No. 44: You like my breasts? They were my graduation gift.
Virgin No. 45: When you’re done, you should really check out how cool this ceiling is.
Virgin No. 46: I’m almost there. Just another couple of hours.
Virgin No. 47: Get your own beer, you nitwit.
Virgin No. 48: No, you’ve got it wrong. We’re in the Paradise Casino.
Virgin No. 49: I really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Gee, it’s late.
Virgin No. 50: You make me feel like a real woman. And after this is over I’m going to find one.
Virgin No. 51: What do you mean, “move a little”?
Virgin No. 52: Not now, I’m on my BlackBerry.
Virgin No. 53: I love it when you put on your pants and leave.
Virgin No. 54: We’ve been together twenty-four hours now, and, you know, sometimes it’s O.K. to say something mildly humorous.
Virgin No. 55: That was terrible. I should have listened to the other virgins.
Virgin No. 56: I think I found it. Is that it? Oh. Is this it? Oh, this must be it. No?
Virgin No. 57: It must be hot in here, because I know it’s not me.
Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles.
Virgin No. 59: Did you know that “virgin” is an anagram of Irving?
Virgin No. 60: First “Spamalot,” then sex.
Virgin No. 61: Great! I was hoping for circumcised.
Virgin No. 62: Was that it?
Virgin No. 63: Dang. George Clooney was being reckless on a motorcycle, but instead I got you.
Virgin No. 64: Tonight, I become a woman. But until then you can call me Bob.
Virgin No. 65: They’re called “adult diapers.” Why?
Virgin No. 66: We could do it here for free, or on a stage in Düsseldorf for money.
Virgin No. 67: I’m just Virgin No. 67 to you, right?
Virgin No. 68: Pee-yoo. Are you wearing Aramis?
Virgin No. 69: Condom, please.
Virgin No. 70: My name is Mother Teresa.
Virgin No. 71: I’m not very good at this, but let’s start with the Reverse Lotus Blossom.
Virgin No. 72: It was paradise, until you showed up. ?

Uma Thurman's Words of Wisdom

"It is better to have a relationship with someone who cheats on you than with someone who does not flush the toilet."

Post-Election Cartoons

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A Come-to-Daddy Moment

Maureen Dowd at her best. Her column about the dismissal of Rumsfeld and her speculations how it happened are hilarious.

By MAUREEN DOWD (NYT)
Poppy Bush and James Baker gave Sonny the presidency to play with and he broke it. So now they’re taking it back.

They are dragging W. away from those reckless older guys who have been such a bad influence and getting him some new minders who are a lot more practical.

In a scene that might be called “Murder on the Oval Express,” Rummy turned up dead with so many knives in him that it’s impossible to say who actually finished off the man billed as Washington’s most skilled infighter. (Poppy? Scowcroft? Baker? Laura? Condi? The Silver Fox? Retired generals? Serving generals? Future generals? Troops returning to Iraq for the umpteenth time without a decent strategy? Democrats? Republicans? Joe Lieberman?)
More...

Before Borat the Movie

Need some short piece of comedy to cheer up your workday. Then check out the funny TV episodes of Sacha Baron Cohen as Ali G and Borat. Go to Youtube.com and search for Ali G or Borat.

Japan's Biggest Elvis Fan

Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi of Japan giving an Elvis impersonation during a tour of the house of his emotional King. This must be one of the most honest moments in the life of a politian that I have ever seen. His amused audience are, besides George Bush, the former wife and daugher of Elvis. More...

"I am Still Alive, for Christ's Sake"

For millennia writers have employed mistaken identities as a tool to create drama and surprise. This morning I learned that real life tragedy resorts to the same device. The story that follows also shows one more time that the line between comedy and tragedy is often razor sharp.

Weeks After Accident, a Twist of Fate
By CHRISTOPHER MAAG (NYT) CALEDONIA, Mich., June 2 — For five weeks, the VanRyn family had been using a Web log to inform friends and neighbors about their daughter Laura's recovery from injuries suffered in a car accident that killed five people. On Friday, they were planning her memorial service. More...

Everyone can be a Novelist

At least Chris Bay thinks so in his new handbook, No Plot? No Problem!: A Low-Stress High Velocity Guide to Writing a Novel in 30 Days. Bay tells us in the opening pages of his treatise that he once believed that you needed several things to start writing a novel in descending order of importance: lots of coffee, plot, character, and setting. But Bay now thinks this is all wrong. All you really need is one thing: a good deadline. Because many people are bad keeping deadlines without external help, Chris has even organized an annual event, the National Novel Writing Month. Last year 60,000 aspiring novelist participated. Some of the novels produced in this speedy fashion were already published by reputable houses. The novel writing month is scheduled again for this November. What are you waiting for?

New Year's Resolutions 2006

Enlarge Image

Ying & Yang equals Toothbush & what ?

For the answer, click on "More." More...

Sex Offenders Get Medicaid-Paid Viagra

When I planned my humor weblog, I had no idea that I would frequently encounter promising entries that would be funny and very serious at the same time. Here is another piece of black humor. It is far too early to tell what the fallout of this bureaucratic snafu will be. Unsatisfied Bob Doles?


By KEVIN FREKING, Associated Press Writer
Nearly 800 convicted sex offenders in 14 states got Medicaid-funded prescriptions for Viagra and other impotence drugs, according to a survey by The Associated Press. The majority of the cases were in New York, Florida and Texas. Medicaid, the health insurance program for the poor, is administered differently in every state. Thus, while some states allowed Medicaid payments for prescriptions for the drugs Viagra, Cialis and Levitra, other states did not.
More...

What you will not see on Donald Trump's "Apprentice"

On the Trials and Tribulations of 'Old Money'

It can be dauntingly difficult to be rich. Here is another chapter in the humilations rich people can experience from their nouveau riche imitators.

Rich vs. Richer In Palm Beach, The Old Money
Isn't Having a Ball
Influx of New Wealth Sparks Spat Over Red Cross Event;
Inheritance's Smaller Role
A 1930s Landmark Is Razed

By ROBERT FRANK
Staff Reporter of THE WALL STREET JOURNAL
May 20, 2005; Page A1

PALM BEACH, Fla. -- For nearly a half-century, the Red Cross Ball was the most prestigious party for old Palm Beach society. Then Simon Fireman took over. More...

Standing Ovation during the First Day on the Job

Emergency Instructions for New Airbus 380

Write your own post-election editorial

One thing is for sure: There has not been in recent memory a U.S. presidential election that witnessed such a large number of people deeply emotionally involved in the contest. Democrats woke up on Wednesday disbelieving that the electorate would keep Bush as the leader of the nation. Republicans were, predictably, ecstatic that despite a relatively bad economy and Iraq spiraling out of control, a majority of Americans chose George Bush as the next president. George now has a mandate to fix the problems he has created. Prayer is probably not going to be an effective solution to the mess in Iraq. Since Islam just like Christianity only recognizes one God, Bush and the insurgent Iraqis are effectively praying to the same god. As far as I can tell, the Iraqis seem to pray at least as much as George Bush and the American public. Hence trying to outpray the opposition does not seem to be a very promising strategy :). If you want to write your own post-election editorial, here is a funny start. More...

Will Rogers on his craft

"I don't make jokes. I just watch government and report the facts."

A Detour Before Dying

I hesitated to publish this story under the rubrik of humor; but there is something 'awefully' funny about it. The lesson seems loud and clear: When your doctor says you are terminally ill, do go and seek a second opinion :)


By JIM MALONE AS TOLD TO PAIGE WILLIAMS

Nearly eight years ago, just after Christmas in 1996, I tested H.I.V.-positive while I was on vacation in Los Angeles. I had gone to the E.R. with chest pains. They did the regular blood work and asked if I minded an H.I.V. test. I didn't expect it to come back positive, but it didn't surprise me when it did. My partner had passed away from AIDS. Before that I had been partying for about -- well, I'll be 60 on the 4th of July, so you do the math. Still, I felt as if somebody had hit me in the head with a baseball bat. I took the test results back home to Hayward, Calif., and gave them to my doctor at the V.A. clinic. He treated me for H.I.V. for the next seven and a half years. More...

Office Jokes

I'M ON A COMMITTEE!

Oh give me some pity, I'm on a committee,
which means that from morning to night,
we attend, and amend, and contend, and defend
without a conclusion in sight.

We confer and concur, we defer and demur,
and reiterate all of our thoughts.

We revise the agenda with frequent addenda,
and consider a load of reports.

We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose,
and the points of procedure are fun!

But though various notions are brought up as motions,
there's terribly little gets done.

We resolve and absolve, but we never dissolve,
since it's out of the question for us.

What a shattering pity to end our committee,
where else could we make such a fuss.


-Author Unknown