Funny Dear Prudence Video: Managing Multiple Girlfriends

The New Apple iPad

Is Sarah Pahlin's daughter Bristol getting married soon?

The story in People Magazine only makes sense if Bristol Palin is getting married soon. Otherwise, stay tuned for an hilarious moment in the not so distant future when Bristol will have to admit that she did had limited understanding of human nature during her Oprah interview.

Bristol Palin Vows Not to Have Sex Again Until Marriage
By Catherine Donaldson-Evans

Sarah Palin's 19-year-old daughter Bristol told Oprah Winfrey on Friday she's made a pact not to have sex again until she's married - a decision inspired by her own teen pregnancy. "I just think it's a goal to have and other women should have that goal," said Bristol, appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show via satellite from Alaska. More...

Letterman discusses troubles at NBC with Leno and Conan

Obama's Press Conference Crashed

Washington is not Hollywood: Ironies in the Salahis Episode

The NY times yesterday reported in detail on the style breaches that the Salahis' commited. Here are some funny lines at the end of the article.

It doesn't seem to matter that the couple were never a threat. Nor does it seem to matter that security at the next state dinner will obviously be so tight that anyone who receives an invitation ought to leave the moment it arrives in the mail, because they're going to have their IDs checked and retinas scanned for a good long time. Nor does it matter that the Salahis are now struggling with a fate so rich with irony it seems like something O. Henry scripted: A couple besotted with fame and media attention finally wins both, but by doing so lands in so much trouble that when every TV show in the country begs them to come on the air and blab, they have to say no. O.K., they accept one, the "Today" show. But that's it. To every other invitation -- yes, authentic invitations -- they must decline. Seriously, Washington, think about how much that has to hurt the Salahis. Now, is that not punishment enough?

Tiger Woods back in the Hospital

Dear Prudie: For the Love of God, Should I leave him?

Here is a funny question in a recent DEAR PRUDIE column. Prudie is right on target. The boyfriend did not simply have a religious awakening.

For the Love of God: My boyfriend won't have sex with me for religious reasons. Should I leave him?
Dear Prudie, my wonderful boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly three years. This summer, we moved in together. This has brought us closer, and our relationship has flourished. We have discussed marriage, and I hope that it will be only a matter of time before we take that step. I grew up Catholic, while my boyfriend was "saved" (his words) during high school. More...

Getting Back: Taylor Swift's SNL Introdution

Good Comedy Lines by Roseanne Barr

Today is Roseanne Barr's birthday. Courtesy of the Writer's Almanac, here are some of her good lines.

Because [Roseanne] and her husband were short on money, she took a job outside the house, as a cocktail waitress. She began trying out her jokes, largely about the incompetence of the male species, and the people frequenting her bar loved it. To men who did not wash dishes, she said, "What's the matter -- is Lemon Joy kryptonite to your species?" and about husbands who couldn't find their own socks, she said, "They think the uterus is a tracking device." A lot of her comedy came from her observations and experiences as a housewife and stay-at-home mom.

"As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job."

"Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?"

"Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself."

The World's Best Condom Ads courtsey of Slate

Hell is Hurting

Ian Frazier has written a very funny satire in the New Yorker on the impact of global warming for hell and its inhabitants. Enjoy!

THE TEMPERATURE OF HELL: A COLLOQUIUM
According to the best scientific data currently available, both the average and the mean temperatures of Hell have risen 3.8 degrees since 1955. Although an increase of this size may seem insignificant, especially to those not spending eternity there, the reality of the situation is quite different when experienced in concrete terms. For example, occupants of Hell who in 1955 were standing night and day in boiling pitch up to their knees report that, owing to the expansion of pitch at higher temperatures, they now must endure the torment all the way up to mid-thigh, or even higher, during Hell's warmer seasons. Condemned souls who have to lie on their backs chained to a flat rock while a white-hot sheet of iron is lowered to within inches of their faces have stated that the rise in Hell's ambient temperature now makes the iron seem much closer to their faces than it actually is. More...

The Soul Storage Company

On page 29 of the July 24, 2009, issue of the New Yorker various small ads appear for products like the famous AERON chair, the National Geographic expedition to Costa Rica, organic almond butter, etc. On the top right corner my eyes hit upon an ad for the Soul Storage Company. Its reads:

Is your soul weighing you down?
Store it!
In an outpatient procedure,
Dr. David Feinstein can extract and store your soul
in a state-of-the-art cold storage facility.

www.storeyoursoul.com

Go to the website and see why this ad is probably most ingenious marketing campaign that I have ever seen.

How to Fight 'Right' Courtesy of Gretchen Rubin

Gretchen Rubin shares with you her lessons how to fight 'right' and when you click on "More" she also tells how to fight 'wrong'. Enjoy!

When my husband and I do argue, I find that the single best technique to apply is humor. If one of us can laugh and joke around, the angry mood lifts instantly. But during an argument, my sense of humor is the first thing to go.
Failing that strategy, here are 23 phrases that help turn down the heat of anger:
Please try to understand my point of view.
Wait, can I take that back?
You don't have to solve this--it helps me just to talk to you.
This is important to me. Please listen.
I overreacted. More...

Obama Kills Fly: Ninja REMIX!

Something Different on the David Letterman Show

Obama orders Hair Cut

TAILS OF MANHATTAN

I no longer have the patience to watch Woody Allen movies, but his short pieces in the New Yorker are still fun to read. Here is a wonderful postscript to the Madoff Ponzi scheme that made many jewish people wonder why they would be so credulous.
Woody Allen in New Yorker, March 30, 2009: Two weeks ago, Abe Moscowitz dropped dead of a heart attack and was reincarnated as a lobster. Trapped off the coast of Maine, he was shipped to Manhattan and dumped into a tank at a posh Upper East Side seafood restaurant. In the tank there were several other lobsters, one of whom recognized him. "Abe, is that you?" the creature asked, his antennae perking up.
"Who's that? Who's talking to me?" Moscowitz said, still dazed by the mystical slam-bang postmortem that had transmogrified him into a crustacean.
"It's me, Moe Silverman," the other lobster said.
More...

Jon Steward on the Quality of Financial News Reporting

The election killed my personal life!

I think Megan McCain was a good girl blogging from the campaign trail for her father to give the McCain campaign a youthful voice. But now it is time for her to grow up and hook up with a Marxist to spice things up a bit for a while. After all, has socialism arrived in America via Wall Street.

Looking for Mr. Far Right
by Meghan McCain

Somewhere in between college and the election, I started allowing politics to dictate the kind of men I date. And the worst part is, it's not just Obama supporters who turn me off--it's often my father's.
The election killed my personal life.
More...

New Euro Language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 2nd and 3rd years , publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey fuking vunted in ze forst plas.

Baraka Obama Roasts his Chief of Staff (2005)

What the comedians had to say the night before the inauguration

Capturing the Moment: Cohen Tribute To Obama

Start the Fire By ROGER COHEN (NY Times)

With apologies to Billy Joel, who's more of a chronologist, and in tribute to a president, Barack Hussein Obama, representing a new post-cold-war generation of 21st-century Americans.

We Didn't Start the Fire (2)


Bill Clinton, Tina Fey, capitalist China, O.J.,
Asia rising, Facebook, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Dick Cheney, Rumsfeld, Ugg boots, Seinfeld
West Bank, Gaza City, Tupac Amaru Shakur


More...

Farewell: Best Video Bushisms

Fighting Sin with Catholic Google

Catholic Google is supposed to help avoiding sin. I don't think it works. Try it out with your favorite sinful words!

James Carville on the Transition Process

A campaign is the time to stab your enemies and a transition is the time to stab your friends.

John McCain is a better actor than Sarah Palin but not as smart as SNL

Coach Michelle Obama

On “The Tonight Show,” Michelle Obama noted that she and her husband still sparred privately like the lawyers they are, and added:

“You want to know how Barack prepares for a debate? He hangs out with me, and he’s ready.”

SNL: The "Liberal Media Elite" is a lot Smarter than Sarah Palin

If the McCain campaign had discipline, it would have not allowed Palin to participate in SNL and look so stupid. SNL is truly clever exploiting the vanity of a vice presidential nominee to further the democratic ticket.

Boybama (Boy Band for Obama)

Tina Fey Deserves to Win an Emmy for her Sarah Palin Impersonations

Tina Fey aka Sarah Palin is a Genius

"Socialism arrives in America"

Maureen Dowd commenting on the meeting at the White House last week.

It was quite a memorable moment in history for the M.B.A. president and the nominee of the party of business. Who would have dreamed that when socialism finally came to the U.S.A. it would be brought not by Bolsheviks in blue jeans but Wall Street bankers in Gucci loafers.

Sarah Silverman's Funny Campaign Ad

Clusterf#@k to the Poor House - Dive of Death

Celebrity Endorsements: Do they Help Winning the Presidency

This is not for Republicans or Children

Gov. Palin and Senator Clinton address the nation

"Dad, at least you didn't get busted playing golf"

Question to Steward Copeland of the Police: Sting was photographed outside the Relax bordello in Hamburg in September. Were you tempted to join him?
SC: He never asked us to go with him! His 17-year-old daughter said it best, though: "Dad, at least you didn't get busted playing golf." None of The Police play golf. More...

Good Parenting Skills 101

An Ideal Husband

To fully appreciate this story you have to know that Oscar Wilde wrote over a hundred years ago the comedy "An Ideal Husband," and later on was thrown into prison because of a homosexual relationship. Maureen Dowd, the writer of the column, as far as I remember is single, and once remarked about her own state that men are scared by strong women.

By MAUREEN DOWD (NY Times)
This weekend, we celebrate our great American pastime: messy celebrity divorces. There’s the Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook fireworks on Long Island and the Madonna/Guy Ritchie/A-Rod Roman candle in New York. So how do you avoid a relationship where you end up saying, “The man who I was living with, I just didn’t know who he was” — as Brinkley did in court when talking about her husband’s $3,000-a-month Internet porn and swinger site habit? (Not to mention the 18-year-old mistress/assistant.)

Father Pat Connor, a 79-year-old Catholic priest born in Australia and based in Bordentown, N.J., has spent his celibate life — including nine years as a missionary in India — mulling connubial bliss. His decades of marriage counseling led him to distill some “mostly common sense” advice about how to dodge mates who would maul your happiness. More...

Going after The Boss and Obama

Ivana Trump: "Beautiful, smart, sexy, powerful, successful, young in spirit"

All too rarely do older woman get to marry much younger men. Savour this beautiful story in People Magazine about the new marriage of Ivana Trump.

Ivana Trump Marries for the Fourth Time
The socialite weds her Italian beau amid thousands of flowers, a French orchestra – and guest Donald Trump (By Linda Marx)

With 50 attendants and a $1 million diamond ring, Ivana Maria Trump married Rossano Rubicondi Saturday before 500 friends and family members at Mar-a-Lago, the Palm Beach estate of her ex, Donald Trump.

"I am so happy my friends from around the world came to be with me on my wedding day," Ivana Trump told PEOPLE before the ceremony.

Under a 15-ft. arch covered in orchids and roses, Trump, 59, and Rubicondi, 35, an Italian model-actor she has dated for six years, shared short kisses after exchanging vows. The ceremony was conducted by Judge Maryanne Trump Barry, The Donald's sister, and was attended by the man himself.

More...

Fast Forward to a Dramatic Democratic Convention in Denver

The Democratic Party is closer than it’s ever been to a political nightmare—a deadlocked convention. Though the odds of its actually happening are still remote, the idea is so rich with dramatic possibility that we asked Lawrence O’Donnell Jr., former West Wing writer-producer, to play out a scenario in movie-treatment form. The premise is that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton arrive in Denver, neither having sufficient delegates to gain the nomination nor a decisive majority in the popular vote. And so it’s on… Read the Story at New York Magazine.

"HILLARY! STOP THE ATTACKS!" LOVE, OBAMA GIRL

Slate starts the Hillary Death Watch

If she wins the nomination after all, she will be true comeback kid.

Posted by: Peter on Mar 28, 08 | 3:48 pm | Profile [0] comments (662 views) | 

The Next Surreal News Story from New York

One day into the Spitzer scandal I predicted that the governor would have announced his resignation within the next 24 hours. So it was. But did I see it coming that then new governor would hold a press conference about his extramarital curriculum with the first 24 hours of assuming power. Hell, no!

After reading this story, I invite you to ponder this question. How do blind men figure out what is a good looking woman? Can you detect just by touching someone's face whether the person looks beautiful?

Gov. Paterson admits to sex with other woman for years (New York Daily News)

The thunderous applause was still ringing in his ears when the state's new governor, David Paterson, told the Daily News that he and his wife had extramarital affairs. In a stunning revelation, both Paterson, 53, and his wife, Michelle, 46, acknowledged in a joint interview they each had intimate relationships with others during a rocky period in their marriage several years ago. In the course of several interviews in the past few days, Paterson said he maintained a relationship for two or three years with "a woman other than my wife," beginning in 1999.

More...

Confessions of a Young Hillary Supporter

This is the second story I read today about the primary that is funny.


By Alex Joseph in Slate
I'm a young male Democrat, and I support ... Hillary Clinton. I may be the loneliest man at Georgetown University, where I'm practically a social pariah. Supporting Hillary on a college campus this year is like being a Yankees fan at a Red Sox game, a Barry Manilow lover at a Radiohead concert. At Georgetown, the Obama supporters--devotees? cultists?--are everywhere. He's the best thing to happen to college since campuses went co-ed. Red, white, and blue O's line the windows of dorm rooms. It won't take long for someone to invent a drinking game where you count the words change and hope in the senator's stirring stump speech. (That would be 16 shots of headache, if his speech after the South Carolina primary was any indication.)
More...

The New York Times Editorial Board for the first time has second thoughts

As an Obama supporter, I was disappointed to read that the NY Times endorsed Hillary Clinton. Now one of editorial writers has gone to an Obama rally in California and is preparing himself for the defeat of Hillary.

EDITORIAL OBSERVER
Michelle, Maria, Caroline and Oprah on the Hustings in California

By ANDREW ROSENTHAL Los Angeles

Forty-eight hours before the closest thing America has ever had to a national primary, four extraordinary women put on the best campaign rally I've seen in 20 years of covering presidential politics. The pitch-perfect event in U.C.L.A.'s basketball arena started like every other Barack Obama event -- chants of "yes we can" and signs pitching the power of hope. Mr. Obama campaigned on the East Coast Sunday, but by the time this rally ended, Michelle Obama, Caroline Kennedy, Oprah Winfrey and Maria Shriver had crystallized the challenge Senator Hillary Clinton will face if she wins the Democratic nomination. She will have to figure out how to preserve the energy and excitement that Mr. Obama has stirred in his supporters, especially in once-alienated young voters. More...

Sarah Silverman "I'm F*cking Matt Damon"

To appreciate this funny episode on Jimmy Kimmel Live, you need to understand the running spat between Jimmy Kimmel and Matt Damon. Watch the first two episodes before you see Sarah Silverman sing her song "I'm F*cking Matt Damon."

We Need More Nerds!

I had forgotten that Bill Gates is a nerd's nerd. Gates is the living proof that we need more nerds. He is now going to focus his attention and wealth on getting rid of some the biggest health problems in the world. From what I can tell, he may succeed. See this funny last day at Microsoft video with Gates.

Ouch! That hurts

"I Got a Crush...On Obama" By Obama Girl

When Bill Clinton first ran for office his campaign came up with the idea to appear on the Arsenio Hall Show to appeal to the young generation by playing the saxophone. Sixteen years later, the internet and now Youtube has transformed campaigns for the presidency. See for yourself.

Simply Red: Splitting up is never easy

Simply Red is a one-man outfit --so how exactly is it disbanding, asks Neil McCormick. Mick Hucknall announced on Wednesday that Simply Red are splitting up. Which rather raises the question: how does a group with only one member go their separate ways?
Hucknall has employed 27 different musicians over the band's 25-year career, and admitted in 1991 that Simply Red was "essentially a solo project". More...

Seinfeld plays with Larry King

Stephen Colbert Announces Presidential Bid

Is this your first time with an undercover cop?

Someone's in the Closet With Sylvester

The underage sex trial of R. Kelly is about to start. Just in time for the publicity, R. Kelly has released a CD and now also a DVD. Life is going to get a lot simpler if he gets convicted.

NT Times: ON Tuesday the R&B singer R. Kelly released "Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 13-22," a DVD of the newest episodes of his video hip-hopera. Featuring 26 characters, byzantine twists of plot and cliffhanger endings, it has a story that can perplex even the most devoted fans.

Andrew Kuo, the artist and blogger, hunkered down with all 22 installments, mapping out the complex interpersonal relationships. "I have a feeling that R. Kelly has about 40 napkins on his office desk, covered with diagrams and arrows," Mr. Kuo said. The entire series will be shown on the Independent Film Channel in September.

A Picture Guide to R. Kelly's Complicated Life

George Bush's Mea Culpa

MAUREEN DOWD (NYT) ghostwrites George's Bush "Mea culpa." Don't hold your breath. Nothing of the sort will ever come out of George Bush's mouth.

Who's Sorry Now?

There's not much lately that we'd like to import from China.

Certainly not the yummy steamed buns stuffed with shredded cardboard soaked in a caustic agent used to make soap. Or the tasty toothpaste laced with an antifreeze ingredient. Or the scrumptious seafood with a chemical kick. Or those pet foods with kibbles and bits of poison.

But there is one thing made in China we could use: mea culpas of high officials.

More...

Lust in Translation

I just started to read Pamela Druckerman’s book on the rules of infidelity across different cultures. This report by the former Wall Street Journal writer is exceedingly entertaining and well written. I will publish a summary judgment when I have finished the book. But in the meantime I want share a few good lines from the acknowledgements: People sometimes compare a writing book to having a baby. Having now done both, almost simultaneously, I can say definitely that a book hurts much more…Few men would propose marriage to a woman who is writing a book on adultery. Simon Kupor not only married me, he also read every draft.

Expert to examine the relative comforts of the Hilton and a jail cell

One of my guilty pleasures is to follow the act that Paris Hilton puts on for the world. I don't know her. Nor do I claim to have figured out what drives this lady to seek the lime light. She is clearly one of the world's most well-known brands. Being only twenty-six this is no small accomplishment. After voluntarily moving to a small farm for a reality TV show (The Simple Life), she is involuntarily moving into a prison cell. I would not be surprised if she manages to land another reality TV show gig called "The Prison Life." Read below the details why a judge sent her to prison for 45 days. Sing Sing for someone who only wanted to be a famous singer. More...

Justin Timberlake's Reflection on Singlehood

In a recent interview, Justin Timberlake, who in January split with Cameron Diaz (his costar in Shrek pictured on the right, who also attended the press day), said being single has its ups and downs:

"The advantages are that you don't get in as many arguments, and the disadvantage is that you're talking to yourself."

Apparantly, Justin does not like to talk to himself. Click on "More" to find who is in rumored to be his new "conversation partner." More...

Gesundheit, my Dear!

Steve Martin's Seventy-two Virgins

The father of the bride reflects in the New Yorker (Jan 29, 2007) on his imaginary encounters with 72 virgins.

Virgin No. 1: Yuck.
Virgin No. 2: Ick.
Virgin No. 3: Ew.
Virgin No. 4: Ow.
Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen!
Virgin No. 6: I’m Becky. I’ll be legal in two years.
Virgin No. 7: Here, I’ll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry!
Virgin No. 8: Can we cuddle first?
Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?
Virgin No. 10: … so I see Heath, and he goes, “Like, what are you doing here?,” and I go, “I’m hangin’ out,” so he goes, “Like, what?” …
Virgin No. 11: First you’re going to have to show me an up-to-date health certificate.
Virgin No. 12: Hurry! My parents are due home!
Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special?
Virgin No. 14: I’m eighty-four. So what?
Virgin No. 15: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Virgin No. 16: Even I know that’s tiny.
Virgin No. 17: “Do it”? Meaning what?
Virgin No. 18: I’m saving myself for Jesus.
Virgin No. 19: Somewhere on my body I have hidden a buffalo nickel.
Virgin No. 20: Don’t touch my hair!
Virgin No. 21: I hope you’re not going to sleep with me and then go sleep with seventy-one others.
Virgin No. 22: Do you mind if we listen to Mannheim Steamroller?
Virgin No. 23: Are you O.K. with the dog on the bed?
Virgin No. 24: Would you mind saying, “Could I see you in my office, Miss Witherspoon?”?
Virgin No. 25: Ride me! Ride me, Lucky Buck!
Virgin No. 26: You like your vanilla hot?
Virgin No. 27: Does Ookums like Snookums?
Virgin No. 28: It’s so romantic here, dead.
Virgin No. 29: Well, I’m a virgin, but my hand isn’t.
Virgin No. 30: You are in?
Virgin No. 31: Hi, cowboy. I just rode down from Brokeback Mountain.
Virgin No. 32: I’m a virgin because I’m so ugly.
Virgin No. 33: You like-ee?
Virgin No. 34: I’ll betcha you can’t get an erection. Go on, impress me. C’mon, show me. Show me, big shot.
Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven “virgin” has a slightly different meaning. It means “chatty.”
Virgin No. 36: Sure, I like you, but as a friend.
Virgin No. 37: No kissing. I save that for my boyfriend.
Virgin No. 38: I’m Zania, from the planet Xeron. My vagina is on my foot.
Virgin No. 39: It’s a lesion, and, no, I don’t know what kind.
Virgin No. 40: I’m Jewish. Why do you ask?
Virgin No. 41: Hi, I’m Becky. Oh, whoops—you again.
Virgin No. 42: I just love camping! Camping is so great! Can we go camping sometime?
Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m a single mom.
Virgin No. 44: You like my breasts? They were my graduation gift.
Virgin No. 45: When you’re done, you should really check out how cool this ceiling is.
Virgin No. 46: I’m almost there. Just another couple of hours.
Virgin No. 47: Get your own beer, you nitwit.
Virgin No. 48: No, you’ve got it wrong. We’re in the Paradise Casino.
Virgin No. 49: I really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Gee, it’s late.
Virgin No. 50: You make me feel like a real woman. And after this is over I’m going to find one.
Virgin No. 51: What do you mean, “move a little”?
Virgin No. 52: Not now, I’m on my BlackBerry.
Virgin No. 53: I love it when you put on your pants and leave.
Virgin No. 54: We’ve been together twenty-four hours now, and, you know, sometimes it’s O.K. to say something mildly humorous.
Virgin No. 55: That was terrible. I should have listened to the other virgins.
Virgin No. 56: I think I found it. Is that it? Oh. Is this it? Oh, this must be it. No?
Virgin No. 57: It must be hot in here, because I know it’s not me.
Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles.
Virgin No. 59: Did you know that “virgin” is an anagram of Irving?
Virgin No. 60: First “Spamalot,” then sex.
Virgin No. 61: Great! I was hoping for circumcised.
Virgin No. 62: Was that it?
Virgin No. 63: Dang. George Clooney was being reckless on a motorcycle, but instead I got you.
Virgin No. 64: Tonight, I become a woman. But until then you can call me Bob.
Virgin No. 65: They’re called “adult diapers.” Why?
Virgin No. 66: We could do it here for free, or on a stage in Düsseldorf for money.
Virgin No. 67: I’m just Virgin No. 67 to you, right?
Virgin No. 68: Pee-yoo. Are you wearing Aramis?
Virgin No. 69: Condom, please.
Virgin No. 70: My name is Mother Teresa.
Virgin No. 71: I’m not very good at this, but let’s start with the Reverse Lotus Blossom.
Virgin No. 72: It was paradise, until you showed up. ?

A Holiday Card from Britney Spears

Britney seems to have discovered that motherhood and applepie is not as fun as singlehood and panty-less partying with Paris Hilton. The two girls are learning to upstage even Madonna, the mother of all self-promotion. It is fascinating to watch how newspapers all over the world are covering the two little Lolitas from the United States as if they had no one in their own country to talk about. Here are Britney's holiday wishes for the world, found on britneyspears.com.

More...

TomKat's Wedding Picture

When Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes failed to give the press a photo of their newborn child for six months, the tabloids started to accuse the couple of simply making up their baby story to create publicity. Here is a picture of their little girl, Suri, from yesterday's TomKat star wedding in Italy, which moves me to exclaim: Oh, she definitely has the eyes of the father!

Uma Thurman's Words of Wisdom

"It is better to have a relationship with someone who cheats on you than with someone who does not flush the toilet."

Post-Election Cartoons

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A Come-to-Daddy Moment

Maureen Dowd at her best. Her column about the dismissal of Rumsfeld and her speculations how it happened are hilarious.

By MAUREEN DOWD (NYT)
Poppy Bush and James Baker gave Sonny the presidency to play with and he broke it. So now they’re taking it back.

They are dragging W. away from those reckless older guys who have been such a bad influence and getting him some new minders who are a lot more practical.

In a scene that might be called “Murder on the Oval Express,” Rummy turned up dead with so many knives in him that it’s impossible to say who actually finished off the man billed as Washington’s most skilled infighter. (Poppy? Scowcroft? Baker? Laura? Condi? The Silver Fox? Retired generals? Serving generals? Future generals? Troops returning to Iraq for the umpteenth time without a decent strategy? Democrats? Republicans? Joe Lieberman?)
More...

Jon Steward on the Outing of Gay Evangelical Leader

Before Borat the Movie

Need some short piece of comedy to cheer up your workday. Then check out the funny TV episodes of Sacha Baron Cohen as Ali G and Borat. Go to Youtube.com and search for Ali G or Borat.

Dr. Love has one More Piece of Advice for You!

This is a good story. I wish I had written it.

By JANE GORDON (NYT)
FOR years, Charley Wininger, a Gestalt psychotherapist and dating coach in Brooklyn, had wined and dined serious, intellectual women. A hippie who recalls being gassed while protesting the Vietnam War, he has always been passionate about politics and philosophy. He has also been passionate about relationships, pontificating about them on talk shows and in news articles, so much so that he was dubbed the Love Doctor by Newsday.

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Rupert Murdoch's Family Values

Murdoch believes in family values. That's why he married three times. In a recent profile in the New Yorker (October 16, 2006) he explained. "I am a radical in the sense of supporting change... I also believe in free markets and family values--in a low-key way. I am not one to preach about it, having been married three times. But I really believe that the family is the basis of society."
Rupert, you are too modest. It makes perfect sense that if you really value families, you feel a moral imperative to create more than one! And why would a radical believer in change not exchange the wife once in a while. After all, a mariage market can only function efficiently if there is some trading going on!

Japan's Biggest Elvis Fan

Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi of Japan giving an Elvis impersonation during a tour of the house of his emotional King. This must be one of the most honest moments in the life of a politian that I have ever seen. His amused audience are, besides George Bush, the former wife and daugher of Elvis. More...

"I am Still Alive, for Christ's Sake"

For millennia writers have employed mistaken identities as a tool to create drama and surprise. This morning I learned that real life tragedy resorts to the same device. The story that follows also shows one more time that the line between comedy and tragedy is often razor sharp.

Weeks After Accident, a Twist of Fate
By CHRISTOPHER MAAG (NYT) CALEDONIA, Mich., June 2 — For five weeks, the VanRyn family had been using a Web log to inform friends and neighbors about their daughter Laura's recovery from injuries suffered in a car accident that killed five people. On Friday, they were planning her memorial service. More...

Supreme Court Deals with Greed, Sex and Deception

Older men and younger women - an age-old story. But an 89-year-old rolling into a strip club on a wheelchair and later marrying the stripper takes this idea to a whole new level. The Economist reports on what happened next.

THE words "probate exception" do not titillate. And yet a saucy, decade-long legal battle over a fortune of nearly half a billion dollars hinges on this clause, which deals with the boundaries between state and federal courts in estate disputes. At issue is whether Vickie Lynn Marshall, a former Playboy pin-up and exotic dancer better known as Anna Nicole Smith, will get anything from the estate of her late husband, J. Howard Marshall, an oil tycoon with assets estimated at $1.6 billion.

On May 1st, Ms Smith won an important victory. Although her inheritance remains uncertain, the United States Supreme Court (no less) unanimously ruled that she could pursue her case in federal court. One suspects the justices were enjoying themselves, for once.

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A very funny Cartoon from the New Yorker

Donald Trump vs. Mark Singer

As far as I am concerned Mark Singer won this pairing hands down. The story gets particularly funny at the end.

Singer writes: Never having met Timothy O'Brien, the Times reporter who finds himself on the receiving end of a five-billion-dollar libel-and-defamation suit from Donald Trump, I don't presume to know whether he's having fun yet. But I doubt that I'm alone among members of the Fourth Estate in experiencing a twinge of envy. Talk about pennies from Heaven! Overnight, sales of O'Brien's book "TrumpNation," the vivisection of the alleged mogul which prompted the litigation, moved it from 123,329 to 466 in the Amazon.com rankings. More...

Comedy Central on Cheney's Hunting Mishap

The shooting was fertile ground for Jon Stewart, the host of "The
Daily Show," the popular fake news program on Comedy Central. On
Monday night one of the show's correspondents, Rob Corddry, introduced
as a "vice-presidential firearms mishap analyst," said that "according
to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the
brush," and "everyone believed there were quail in the brush," and
"while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that
today, Mr. Cheney insists he would still have shot Mr. Whittington in
the face."

Everyone can be a Novelist

At least Chris Bay thinks so in his new handbook, No Plot? No Problem!: A Low-Stress High Velocity Guide to Writing a Novel in 30 Days. Bay tells us in the opening pages of his treatise that he once believed that you needed several things to start writing a novel in descending order of importance: lots of coffee, plot, character, and setting. But Bay now thinks this is all wrong. All you really need is one thing: a good deadline. Because many people are bad keeping deadlines without external help, Chris has even organized an annual event, the National Novel Writing Month. Last year 60,000 aspiring novelist participated. Some of the novels produced in this speedy fashion were already published by reputable houses. The novel writing month is scheduled again for this November. What are you waiting for?

The Terminator of Speech

"The doctor then told me that I should not do any events for three days and also said to me I should not speak for three days. My wife said, 'Make it seven.'" Arnold Schwarzenegger, California Governor, after cutting his lip in a motorcycle crash in Los Angeles. More...

New Year's Resolutions 2006

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In Heaven we are all Celebrities

I personally think that heaven will be like being at the comedy club all day long. But I seem to be alone in that belief. Barbara Walters interviewed big and small people about what they think is going to happen after death. Here is what they said:

By VIRGINIA HEFFERNAN (NYT)

'Heaven — Where Is It? How Do We Get There?' What to Expect When Expecting Heaven.

There's no contest. Of all the major religions, the Muslims have the most graphic view of heaven. It's refreshing, in fact. They don't mess around invoking vague spaces of peace and light; they come through with Relais et Châteaux specifics. One imam tells Barbara Walters on her ABC special tonight: "We will be in comfortable homes, reclining on silk couches. We will have people coming - servants, lovely servants, young youths to regale you, Barbara. Residing in gardens beyond which rivers flow." More...

The Top 10 Bizarre Children Names of Celebrities

1 Moon Unit - Frank Zappa
2 Apple - Chris Martin/Gwyneth Paltrow
3 Misty Kyd - Sharleen Spiteri
4 Geronimo - Alex James
5 Heavenly Hirani Tiger Lily - Michael Hutchence/Paula Yates
6 Dandelion - Keith Richards (Rolling Stones)
7 Dweezil - Frank Zappa
8 Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q - Bono (U2)
9 Zowie Bowie - David Bowie
10 Rufus Tiger - Roger Taylor (Queen)

For details on how the survey was conducted, click here.

Ying & Yang equals Toothbush & what ?

For the answer, click on "More." More...

College is for Life

Everyday our brain fabricates stories for ourselves about who we are and what we should be doing with our life. Only imagine what would happen if suddenly the national media starts covering your life. Just as everyone else, your brain will feel pressure to tell different stories, stories whose plotline is driven more by what others want to hear. On the front page of today's NY Times is one funny example. Much of the richness of the story lies between the lines.

For One Student, a College Career Becomes a Career

By SAM DILLON
WHITEWATER, Wis. - Nearly every college has some screwball who never seems to graduate, lingering year after year as classmates move on. And then there is Johnny Lechner. In his 12th year of college here, Mr. Lechner has parlayed life as perpetual student into a lucrative personal brand. His genius for self-promotion might have earned him Phi Beta Kappa - if only it had been applied to his studies. He has appeared on "Late Show" with David Letterman, "Good Morning America" and other shows, describing a roisterous campus lifestyle of beer and merrymaking. National Lampoon is promising to pay his tuition, and the makers of Monster Energy Drink deliver 30 cases a week, along with advertising posters and condoms, to the house where Mr. Lechner lives and parties, in exchange for his endorsement of Monster as "the official energy drink" of his 12th college year.
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Finally a Politician who Speaks his Mind

Some of Putin's spades, taken from his first four-year term, have been collected in a slim volume called "Putinki: A Short Collection of the President's Sayings," and they suggest that quite a bit is going on inside that dour black suit.

After a trans-Atlantic trip, Dec. 24, 2001:

I wasn't that excited about spending the night at Bush's ranch. He must have thought to himself, what's going to happen if he invites in a former intelligence officer. But Bush himself is the son of a former head of the C.I.A. So we were a nice little family circle and felt pretty good.

Addressing deputies of the State Council, May 28, 2001:

I know perfectly well that I'm guilty of everything, even if I'm not guilty. That completely applies to everyone who sits in the hall today. You are also guilty even if you don't know what it's all about.

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Attention Soccer Moms and Dads

If your son or daughter does not want to go to soccer practice today, here is an another argument you can use to convince your couch potato and possibly too intellectual child: "Sweetie, if you become really good at soccer, you can become rich and one day even have a private meeting with the pope." Yesterday, the Pope received Germany's most glorious person, the former soccer player Franz Beckenbauer. Within German society he plays a unique role for an athlete. A few weeks ago, Beckenbauer turned 60 and every single German newspaper had a story congratulating the so-called "emperor" on his illustrious career that is still in full swing. Presently he is one of the chief organizers for next year's soccer world cup in Germany. Unlike other star soccer players, Beckenbauer has turned his sport abilities into a money gold mine. The man is truly blessed by the gods. This must be the reason why our new pope received him yesterday and reportedly even held a little private audience with the star. Beckenbauer later told the press: "To talk with the pope about soccer was the most important moment in my life." Emperor, I hate to break it to you, but your most important moment was 30 years ago when you helped Germany win the world championship in 1974! Without that glorious achievement, the pope would have asked you yesterday how you plan to go to heaven if you marry so often, all the while scoring illegitimate children.

Sex Offenders Get Medicaid-Paid Viagra

When I planned my humor weblog, I had no idea that I would frequently encounter promising entries that would be funny and very serious at the same time. Here is another piece of black humor. It is far too early to tell what the fallout of this bureaucratic snafu will be. Unsatisfied Bob Doles?


By KEVIN FREKING, Associated Press Writer
Nearly 800 convicted sex offenders in 14 states got Medicaid-funded prescriptions for Viagra and other impotence drugs, according to a survey by The Associated Press. The majority of the cases were in New York, Florida and Texas. Medicaid, the health insurance program for the poor, is administered differently in every state. Thus, while some states allowed Medicaid payments for prescriptions for the drugs Viagra, Cialis and Levitra, other states did not.
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What you will not see on Donald Trump's "Apprentice"

On the Trials and Tribulations of 'Old Money'

It can be dauntingly difficult to be rich. Here is another chapter in the humilations rich people can experience from their nouveau riche imitators.

Rich vs. Richer In Palm Beach, The Old Money
Isn't Having a Ball
Influx of New Wealth Sparks Spat Over Red Cross Event;
Inheritance's Smaller Role
A 1930s Landmark Is Razed

By ROBERT FRANK
Staff Reporter of THE WALL STREET JOURNAL
May 20, 2005; Page A1

PALM BEACH, Fla. -- For nearly a half-century, the Red Cross Ball was the most prestigious party for old Palm Beach society. Then Simon Fireman took over. More...

A Real Run-Away Bride

Unlike in the romantic comedy with Julia Roberts, the story of this Run-Away Bride is leaving everyone with a sour taste in their mouths. But the reaction of her uncle made me smile: "Jennifer had some issues the family was not aware of. We're looking forward to loving her and talking to her about these issues." What a conversation that must be. More...

"My Life so Far" by Jane Fonda

MAUREEN DOWD has written a funny review of Jane Fonda's autobiography in today's NYT.

'My Life So Far': The Roles of a Lifetime

One day when she was playing cowgirl in the annual bison roundup on one of the New Mexico ranches of her husband, Ted Turner, Jane Fonda realized with a jolt that she was about to turn 60. She decided that the best way to meet this unnerving milestone was to make a short video of her life ''to discover its different themes.''
She invited her daughter, Vanessa Vadim, a documentary filmmaker, to help her. ''Why don't you just get a chameleon and let it crawl across the screen?'' Vanessa suggested dryly.

''Ouch,'' Jane writes. ''This was the rap on me: I've had so many personae over my lifetime that it's easy to think, Who is she, anyway? Is there a 'there there'? . . . When I looked at photos of myself over the years and matched them up with my husband of the time, I couldn't help feeling that maybe it was true -- maybe I simply become whatever the man I am with wants me to be: 'sex kitten,' 'controversial activist,' 'ladylike wife on the arm of corporate mogul.' . . . Was I just a chameleon, and if so, how was it that a seemingly strong woman could so thoroughly and repeatedly lose herself? Or had I really lost myself?'' More...

Standing Ovation during the First Day on the Job

The Subways That Time Forgot

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Emergency Instructions for New Airbus 380

Write your own post-election editorial

One thing is for sure: There has not been in recent memory a U.S. presidential election that witnessed such a large number of people deeply emotionally involved in the contest. Democrats woke up on Wednesday disbelieving that the electorate would keep Bush as the leader of the nation. Republicans were, predictably, ecstatic that despite a relatively bad economy and Iraq spiraling out of control, a majority of Americans chose George Bush as the next president. George now has a mandate to fix the problems he has created. Prayer is probably not going to be an effective solution to the mess in Iraq. Since Islam just like Christianity only recognizes one God, Bush and the insurgent Iraqis are effectively praying to the same god. As far as I can tell, the Iraqis seem to pray at least as much as George Bush and the American public. Hence trying to outpray the opposition does not seem to be a very promising strategy :). If you want to write your own post-election editorial, here is a funny start. More...

Will Rogers on his craft

"I don't make jokes. I just watch government and report the facts."